Lists, Lists, Lists.

I think I'm going to start making some to do lists to feel more accomplished throughout the day. I mean, not like I don't feel accomplished more days than others, but I think the satisfaction of slicing words off a list makes everything better. So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to make one, and possibly add something to it that I've either put off for a long time (maybe that novel I've been working on.....), or something I've been scared to do.


(Listening to A-Punk~~Vampire Weekend " Look outside at the raincoat's coming, say oh.....")

Done

So I started writing story ideas and a small short story while I was on the train today. It's so odd how a train ride can inspire so many ideas! I just wish I was patient and I don't know, brave enough, to complete such stories. But I loved the time writing regardless of what happens to my efforts.

In other words, I've decided that if I have to work 99.9% of the time of keeping up on a friendship, then it's not worth it. I'm not gonna push myself on someone who obviously either has no time for me or has taken someone else's side on a matter that's not theirs and hasn't even heard all of mine to decide upon anyways. But anyways, I'm tired of having to be someone that has to try so hard to maintain a friendship. Any relationship should be 50/50. And I'm just done. DONE, done. As a new year's resolution, I'm giving up on the ties I've tried so hard to maintain. If you want to talk to me, initiate it, cause I'm over feeling as if I'm not important or that I'm desperate, etc. I'm not worth that and if you've treated me as such, shame on you.

Ok, Done. And venting over. Which brings me to the thought that I was thinking of making a website called vent.com where people can possibly anonymously just, vent their anger or frustration, etc. So... yeah, random, but there you have it.

Alright, good night! It's been a long day!

(~~Listening to "While my Guitar Gently Weeps"~~The Beatles "with every mistake we must surely be learning....)

Traffic light

So here I am again. Stop or go. Why must I be a traffic light. Can't I be the pedestrian. I don't care if I'm hit by a taxi on the way, I just don't want to be the one constantly changing its mind. I mean, I guess I'm not exactly like the light. It, at least, will change at a somewhat predictable, continual pace. But I think I've decided, overall, that I need to get over the fear of change and that in order to do that, I have to get a job that makes me happy. I can't settle anywhere if I have nothing to hold onto except my wants of acceptance. Lately, I feel like a dog waiting for its owner to come home because I have nothing better to do. Wow. I've gone from traffic light to dog...well at least a dog is loved, right? And that I am and I'm grateful for my amazing family and the friends that have stuck by me through my craziness. Ok. Just wanted to talk and get some things out.

(listening to "Down"~~Jason Walker "and I'm tired of waiting, waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing...)

Stop

I hate how I'm always go go go and I don't stop for a minute to decide why I'm going. I have a why for every other situation but my own. I really don't know what to do anymore. I picked a shitty major hence why I have no job. Should I go to college again? Should I wait it out? Should I stay in Indiana or go to NY again? See, I'm always go, go, go in my actions and in my mind. I feel like I have no time to sit and make a decision because there is always something going on. I need to really sit back and decide what is best for me. I need to actually take my time this time instead of being like, yeah I will...and then I don't. It's probably hard for me because I'm impatient. And then it doesn't help that money is always an issue. It really doesn't. Crap. So here's to second chances, epiphanies, revelations, whatevers. Cheers.

GO

I just want to leave already. I wanted everything to be almost completely done with y the time I got back from my trip, but instead, nothing was done. So in the meantime, I'm left hyperventilating and wanting to cry and rip my hair out because I am stuck waiting. I was ready to leave 2 weeks ago. 2 god damn weeks ago and I'm still here waiting for the same shit. If this isn't resolved like, fuckin fast, I'm gonna blow up my credit card with a train ticket and take the bus for a month while the shit that should have been done when I got back is taken care of. I'm so fuckin pissed and upset and just ready to god damn leave. I'm ready to start over and work and everything, but I can't with this motherfuckin problem in the way. What the fuck. I'm so frustrated right now. I'm not even gonan proofread this sucker or do anythign creative with it. just fuck fuck, damn it, I wanna be gone already. The end.

Shadows

I feel like I'm coming down off of a high. After being at one with the sea and isles of the Caribbean, I have to step off of the sandy beaches and onto the concrete path that is reality. As such, reality has a way of grounding you so fast that you don't even have time to register the skinned elbows until you feel the warm trickle down your forearm.

Being back makes me remember everything that I still have left to do and what I left to rot while I was away. Now I'm more impatient than ever and uncertain at the same time. This rush also makes me think some pretty crappy things, like maybe I shouldn't care so much about people. People seem to slow and complicate things, right? If I didn't have ties to family or friends or care so much about how what I do affects others or how much I need them in my life as well, I feel like I'd probably be a different person in the positive....I would have probably explored foreign countries, take time in college to do things that would guarantee jobs, move and do whatever I wanted without consequences...

But as it is, I care too much about other people and their influence in my life. As such, it seems my chore in life to hurt one group of people on an alternating basis. And now, I'm referring to moving--again. When I left the first time, I hurt my best friend. Once I move the second time, I'm hurting my family. It's been this battle the whole time. I wouldn't hurt so much if people didn't care about me and I didn't care about them. And that's an awful thing to think, I know. But it's true. If I came from a family with that disease where you are antisocial/socially inept, I wouldn't even care.

But I love people and I love too much. People shouldn't have to choose between who they have to hurt or how much pain they can take when the make the decision. Maybe people like me aren't really people, but shadows taking shape when the light makes its appearance. Didn't someone once say we are but dust and shadows? Maybe I understand that more past the reference of dust being death.

But there it is a nutshell. I care and will always care and only time will tell the difference between a person and a shadow.

(Listening to "Aqueous Transmission"~~Incubus "I'm in this boat alone, floating down a river named emotion. Will I make it back to the shore or drift into the unknown.....")

About that glass...

So I'm busy trying to fill my glass back up. It might be counter-productive because that means I'm pulling more toward the optimistic side of life but I think a person can only have so much negative, right? I'm gonna try to think positively. Writing this, I'm thinking that if anyone were to read my blog straight through, you would swear I was a lazy bipolar woman! But positive thinking is the downfall of optimists, which is why I probably fail all the time. I'm gonna try to be the cure, the panacea, if you will.

So here's too half empty glasses getting a refill because I sure could use one!

(Listening to "Somedays"~~Regina Spektor "some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if someone else's days...."